


Hung like an Elcor

by Pyreite



Series: Shades of Shepard [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Comedy, F/M, Interspecies Relationship(s), Interspecies Romance, Mass Effect 3: Citadel, Past Relationship(s), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-04 01:16:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4120999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pyreite/pseuds/Pyreite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Mass Effect 3 - ME3 - Citadel DLC]  </p><p>How the lunch-date with Kaidan in Apollo's Cafe could have gone down.  Shepard sets him straight once and for all.  Turians do have bigger balls.</p><p>[COMPLETE].</p><p>Warning:  Contains citrus without lemonade, implied interspecies relationships, mentions penile ridges, and an incident of kissing Garrus.  Discretion is advised.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hung like an Elcor

_**Location: Citadel – Lunch date at Apollo's Cafe** _

 

“That's what I want”, said Kaidan. “What do you want?”

 

Shepard stared at her former comrade. Kaidan had been a peach on Mars, bitching about her involvement with Cerberus, and other less than savoury things. Shepard couldn't believe his audacity. She had thought the invitation to share a meal at Apollo's Cafe was a peace-offering not an ambush. Kaidan was, apparently, still carrying a flame.

 

“Are you serious?” asked Shepard. She pointed the tongs of her fork at Kaidan. She frowned when he warily eyed the sharp eating implement. The piece of steak, speared on the tines, was apparently making him nervous. Shepard was annoyed when he wriggled uncomfortably in his seat.

 

“Did you invite me out here”, said Shepard. “Just to make a pass at me?”

 

Kaidan's eyes widened. “No”, he lied. “I just thought you'd be hungry. Apollo's is a great place to eat”.

 

Shepard was unimpressed by Kaidan's purpling cheeks. The embarrassment was coming off him in waves. So was the bullshit. His inability to look her in the eye was all the confirmation Shepard needed. The guy _was_ trying to make a pass at her.

 

“Your poker-face is shit, Kaidan”, advised Shepard. She turned the fork towards her mouth again, baring her teeth. She made certain to tear the steak off the tines like a ravenous varren. The nervous bobbing of Kaidan's adams-apple, as she swallowed, softened some of Shepard's animosity. Kaidan was an ass, and a judgemental prick too, but he was still a member of her crew.

 

Shepard could cut him a break.

 

“Look. You're a great guy”, Shepard reassured him. “You'll make someone very happy some day”. She was ready to let sleeping varrens lie, but Kaidan had to spoil everything. Shepard didn't like that tight curl in his lower-lip or the malevolent glint in his eye. Kaidan was terribly territorial when it came to his personal life.

 

“But not you”, concluded Kaidan.

 

Shepard chewed for a few seconds, savouring her mouthful of steak. She hadn't eaten this well in weeks. “Not me. No”, she replied evenly. Shepard set down her fork, ignoring the generous portion still on her plate. The change in conversation had soured her appetite.

 

“Why?” asked Kaidan. “You cared for me once. What's changed?”

 

Shepard studied his expression. The furrowing brows and wrinkling nose clued her into Kaidan's feelings. He was unhappy with her answer. Shepard could almost hear the gears turning inside his head. He was wondering why she was so reluctant to relight the torch of their previous relationship.

 

“Everything”, Shepard stated vaguely.

 

Kaidan scowled. “Specifics. Please”.

 

Shepard rolled her eyes. Kaidan could be such an ass when he was moping. She would sympathise if the guy hadn't grilled her on Mars. Shepard was a veteran soldier, not a green wet-behind-the-ears recruit. Decisions had been made, actions taken, and her involvement with Cerberus was at an end.

 

Kaidan had still raked her over the coals.

 

“You really want to know”, said Shepard.

 

Kaidan's affirmative nod was enough.

 

Shepard didn't mind sharing.

 

If Kaidan wanted to know the truth than she would tell him.

 

“Sleeping with Garrus ruined me for life”, stated Shepard. “He's hung like an Elcor”. She sighed, head shaking as she recalled their passionate interlude before the Omega-4 Relay. “You're wide and short, Kaidan, but Garrus is long and thick”. Shepard wolf-whistled her appreciation.

 

“And those penile ridges are fucking amazing”.

 

Shepard licked her lips. She laughed when Kaidan sputtered like a backed-up sewer pipe. She was amused when he popped the lid of his beer. The desperate guzzling coupled with the green tinge in his cheeks made her day. Shepard wasn't above teasing him too.

 

“You wanted to know the truth”.

 

Kaidan came up for air after several mouthfuls of beer. “You didn't have to be that honest!”

 

Shepard shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly. “Turians have bigger balls. It's anatomy. Pure and simple. I didn't design them, Kaidan”. Shepard's lips curved upward. She grinned toothily. “I just enjoyed the ride. All night long”.

 

“Oh, geeze!” complained Kaidan. He downed several more mouthfuls of beer, while several turian diners inside Apollo's Cafe, saluted Shepard with their drinks. “Will you please just shut up!”

 

“You've got good taste!” called a handsome male turian with brindle face-markings.

 

His date, a pretty purple-skinned asari, giggled girlishly.

 

Shepard acknowledged the couple with a nod. “Thank you”. She smirked when Kaidan groaned woefully. The devastated look on his face was beyond priceless. Shepard almost felt sorry for him, especially when he admitted something truly horrible.

 

“I'll never be able to look Garrus in the eye again!”

 

_**~Later that night in the Captain's Quarters aboard the Normandy SR-2~** _

 

Shepard was in her study, replying to a message from Hackett, when Garrus interrupted her train of thought.

 

“Did you say something to, Kaidan?”

 

Shepard paused, fingers hovering over the holographic keyboard of her work-station. She was unsurprised by Garrus's question. He hadn't asked about her lunch-date with Kaidan, but she suspected that he was intensely curious about what had gone down. Shepard decided to keep her cards close to her chest. She'd let Garrus stew a bit before admitting anything.

 

“We talked”, confirmed Shepard.

 

Seconds passed in silence.

 

Shepard continued to type her message.

 

“Spirits”, muttered Garrus. His indignant flanging huff made Shepard smile. “You can be such a damned tease”.

 

Shepard stilled when six taloned fingers closed around her hands. She looked up at the blue-eyed turian towering over her.

 

“What did you tell him?” Garrus asked as politely as he could. Kaidan had been giving him odd looks all afternoon.

 

“What did he say?” countered Shepard. She grinned toothily when Garrus's mandibles drew uncomfortably tight to his chin. He was a little anxious. Shepard could tell.

 

“He didn't”, declared Garrus. “It's more what he's been doing that worries me”.

 

“Oh?” Shepard said coyly. “What has Kaidan been doing that's made you so very uncomfortable, Mr. Vakarian?”

 

Garrus snorted. “You know what he's been doing”.

 

Shepard leaned back in her seat. She kissed the underside of his chin affectionately. “Oh right”, teased Shepard. “The crotch-fixation”. She waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

 

“I wouldn't know a thing about that”.

 

“Shepard!” growled Garrus. “What did you say to him!”

 

Shepard laughed. She was in a good mood. Kaidan had gotten his comeuppance. She could come clean with Garrus. She answered her lover just as honestly as she had answered Kaidan earlier that same day.

 

“Kaidan wanted to know why I wasn't interested in rekindling a romantic relationship with him”.

 

“He made a pass at you”, deduced Garrus.

 

Shepard nodded. “He did”.

 

Garrus considered her for a moment. He searched Shepard's face for any hint of deception. He made a statement. “You shut him down”. The fond smile he saw reassured him more than he would dare admit.

 

“Absolutely”, affirmed Shepard. “I'm a one turian kind of woman. Remember?”

 

“I remember, Shepard”, reiterated Garrus. “But what did you tell him?”

 

Shepard smirked. Her eyes twinkled merrily. She was still amused by Kaidan's reaction. His blatant staring at the cod-piece of Garrus's hard-suit, during the dining-hour in the mess-hall, had been hilariously inappropriate. Shepard sympathised with her love, she hadn't meant to make him uncomfortable, but Kaidan had deserved to be set straight once and for all.

 

She was in love with Garrus.

 

Nothing was going to change.

 

“It's simple really”, said Shepard. She smiled when Garrus looked down his nose at her. He was getting annoyed with her playfulness. She giggled. “I told Kaidan that you had bigger balls”.

 

Garrus's mandibles slackened in surprise. He stared at her. “You're serious”.

 

Shepard grinned like a varren. “I might have mentioned the penile ridges too”.

 

She was pleased when she heard that wonderfully warm and rich flanging laughter.

 

“Oh, Shepard!” chuckled Garrus. “You're horrible!”

 

Shepard winked at him saucily. “I'm horribly in love with you. Now shut up and kiss me”.

 

“Yes, Ma'am”, replied Garrus as he covered her mouth with his own.

 


End file.
